How to co-parent (a teenager!!) when you are divorced
"I need help! I am divorced from my daughter’s father and our daughter, *Mandy, is sixteen and is beginning to become defiant with me. She doesn’t want to follow my rules any longer and wants to live with her dad, who is such a push over in my opinion. Mandy is failing the 9th grade, tested positive for ecstasy and is dating a guy I have never met. What do I do with this new found information and do I let her live with her “easygoing, non-disciplinarian father”, or do I make her stay here with me in hopes that she won’t run away? Please help!" -- Concerned Mom in Livermore, CA.
Well, Concerned Mom, you definitely have your hands full, BUT there are solutions here and a lot of what is going on with the dynamics between you and Mandy is normal. However, a cohesive co-parenting plan must be put into action or your daughter will take advantage of you and your ex-husband’s inconsistent co-parenting and she will charm (manipulate) whichever parent is most susceptible to giving in. Now, more than ever, boundaries must be put in place, and structure needs to be a part of Mandy’s life until she begins to make better choices. You can always loosen the ropes later. Here is what I would suggest:
The first thing you and your ex-husband need to do is make a co-parenting plan. Most of the time this is far easier said than done due to the dynamics of your current relationship, so don’t fret if you need to ask the advice of a counselor or mediator. In the meantime, here is my advice and some techniques I use when developing a co-parenting plan.
When I work with families of teens, I always see the parents first to get their individual perspective. I make it a point to meet with them together so that there are no secrets between them. Then I spend the next session gathering information from the teenager. Their voice counts!
Teens usually have an amazing and unique perspective on the family dynamics and it can help shed light on why they are acting out and trying to assert their individuality. Always ask the teen! Many times parents forget to include this in their repertoire of trying to “fix” the family. This often times makes the teen feel less important, ignored, and blamed, leading to a plethora of feelings from depression and anxiety to feeling worthless and singled out. Parents, I plead with you to first talk with your teen and get their suggestions on how to make life work better. You may be surprised at the outcome.
Next--and this is always an important part for parents—you need to be willing to take the blame for your part in the issues at hand. Children are not born “bad seeds”. Parents are first and foremost responsible for how their children react and respond to authority. They are watching YOU. Knowing this, taking responsibility for your actions, and being willing to implement positive change, will help set the foundation necessary to regain control of your family.
Next, the parents will need to sit down together, and discuss doing the following:
- Decide together what is expected from the teen—be VERY specific, i.e.-she will wash the dishes Thursday, come home straight from school Monday-Friday, and vacuum and dust her room Saturdays, before she can go out. Teenagers need you to be specific. If you simply say, “clean your room”, a teens hears, “make sure that some floor is showing and throw the bedspread over the pillows.” Where as to you it means, fold your clothes, put them away, wash your sheets, make your bed and vacuum. Just by being specific with your teen, you can save hours of unnecessary discussion and arguing. What parent doesn’t want that!
- Make sure the rules are the same at both homes—Do this as much as possible, for their sake and yours, make sure your teen has consistency in both homes. I always tell my teens in my practice, that when there is a divorce the teen should get the main house and the parents should have to work out the visitation schedule. Try to understand how difficult it is for them by looking at it from their perspective
- If you suspect drug use/abuse, give them a random drug test. Sorry parents, this is the new century and drug tests are becoming a necessity in today’s homes. I suggest that all parents randomly drug test their teens. Even the parent’s with teens who are in youth group, getting straight A’s and are captain of the cheerleading team. I have worked with teens for over 16 years and I have found that they can be very deceiving. Come on, it’s their job. Just be sure to do yours as parents.
- Put your own feelings aside parents. From feedback I have received from couples, this by far seems to be the toughest thing to do. Since divorce is usually due to infidelity, hurt feelings, lack of respect or love for one another, coming together and making a pact with each other to raise a teenager, isn’t exactly a vacation in Hawaii. I will tell you though, that parents who have succeeded in putting their own feelings aside and willing to drop their defenses momentarily to make a plan to successfully raise their teen, are heroes in my book and many times to the teen. As your teen matures she will learn many lessons from seeing you come together to co-parent. This can have an amazing impact on teenagers as it teaches them about selflessness, sacrifice, loyalty and love.
- Together decide on consistent consequences and make sure the punishment fits the crime. For example, if your teen goes over the minutes on their cell phone, take the phone away and give them chores to earn money to pay for the overage fees—don’t tell them they can’t go to the birthday party they had planned. This is one of the biggest complaints I receive from teens and the easiest to solve. I will say it again, the punishment must fit the crime. This is an easy way to gain respect from your teen and again it saves countless hours of arguing. How long can a teen argue the fairness of having to work off fees accrued from the misuse of the cell phone versus you taking a party away because you’re mad? Now, don’t get me wrong, they won’t be happy, but at least you are being fair, and eventually they will see this if you are consistent.
This often is not an easy road. In fact when parents are divorced, single or married, raising teens is challenging, aggravating and it will test you to the core. But by implementing the ideas above, the outcome can be positive for all involved.
If you need further help with a co-parenting plan, we are always here to help at Trinity Life Solutions. Please give us call with any concerns and we will do our best to give you the necessary advice and support as you raise a successful teen.
Blessings.
Bridget Melson, M.S. MFT