Having Trouble "Life Coaching" My Teen--Is Something Wrong With Me as a Parent??

"Dear Dr. Bridget: I LOVE your Teen Life Coaching 12-Week Program. I bought it to go through with my two teenagers. My son is responding very well and loves it, but my daughter gets irritated and refuses to go through it with me anymore. She likes that she is learning how to budget so she can move out, how to interview for a job, and how to find her true passion in life; BUT she says she wants a Teen Life Coach (TLC) instead because I am not being impartial enough. Am I doing something wrong?" Taking it Personally in Concord, CA.

 

I hear this very often with teens and parents, and NO there is nothing wrong with you as a parent. What is happening is N-O-R-M-A-L. Children get constant instruction from their parents for many years. After all, it is the job of a parent to instruct, lead and guide consistently up into adolescence and many times beyond that. By the time they are teens, they (both teens and parents!) are ready to separate and become individuals. This is what is most likely contributing to the battle between you and your daughter; add a conflict of temperaments into the mix and the war is on! Let me reassure you that what you are facing is a part of a teen's developmental progression and you should not take it personally at all. This normal "teen conflict" and "parent separation" that naturally occurs is inevitable. This is why when I speak at my "Parent Survival Seminars", I always mention that while I would love to see parents take their teen through the 12-week program, in many cases there is not a match in temperaments and therefore this is not a possibility. This is why we created, trained and now implement Teen Life Coaches (TLC's) into the Trinity Life Solutions practice. I have not assessed your daughter, but it sounds as if she is mentally healthy and is just looking for someone to take her through the 12-week program that can be more of a mentor and coach instead of a parent. It is all but impossible for a parent to step back from their child and not be "a parent". It is what you do! This is the very reason why we have our TLC's available to take them through "This Is Life" and at the same time support you 100% as a parent. Another great alternative can involve having an aunt, church mentor, or a friend's mom take them them through and talk about it over ice cream or a diet coke. Please know that you are not doing anything wrong. Chances are that you and your daughter are more alike that either of you wants to admit, therefore causing that mismatch in temperaments I mentioned above. This will come in handy in her twenties! I hope this answered your question. This is a great reminder for all parents to not take things personally when up against teenage hormones and attitudes. If we did that, we would all be in insane asylums by the time our children reached puberty! When concerned about a teen's change in behavior, I always advise to take your teen out for bagels and coffee one morning and ask them if something is on their mind or bothering them at work, school or with friends. If you do not get any answers and still suspect something more serious, never hesitate to seek a counselor's advice. If you or any other parent have questions about their teen or may need help in deciphering whether or not your teen is in danger of harming themselves or others, please don't hesitate to call me at my office (925) 600-8084 or the Teen Crisis Line at 1-800-999-9999.

Blessings.
Dr. Bridget Melson, M.S. MFT, PsyD.

How to co-parent (a teenager!!) when you are divorced

"I need help! I am divorced from my daughter’s father and our daughter, *Mandy, is sixteen and is beginning to become defiant with me. She doesn’t want to follow my rules any longer and wants to live with her dad, who is such a push over in my opinion. Mandy is failing the 9^th grade, tested positive for ecstasy and is dating a guy I have never met. What do I do with this new found information and do I let her live with her “easygoing, non-disciplinarian father”, or do I make her stay here with me in hopes that she won’t run away? Please help!" -- Concerned Mom in Livermore, CA.

 

Well, Concerned Mom, you definitely have your hands full, BUT there are solutions here and a lot of what is going on with the dynamics between you and Mandy is normal. However, a cohesive co-parenting plan must be put into action or your daughter will take advantage of you and your ex-husband’s inconsistent co-parenting and she will charm (manipulate) whichever parent is most susceptible to giving in. Now, more than ever, boundaries must be put in place, and structure needs to be a part of Mandy’s life until she begins to make better choices. You can always loosen the ropes later. Here is what I would suggest:

The first thing you and your ex-husband need to do is make a co-parenting plan. Most of the time this is far easier said than done due to the dynamics of your current relationship, so don’t fret if you need to ask the advice of a counselor or mediator. In the meantime, here is my advice and some techniques I use when developing a co-parenting plan.

When I work with families of teens, I always see the parents first to get their individual perspective. I make it a point to meet with them together so that there are no secrets between them. Then I spend the next session gathering information from the teenager. Their voice counts!

Teens usually have an amazing and unique perspective on the family dynamics and it can help shed light on why they are acting out and trying to assert their individuality. Always ask the teen! Many times parents forget to include this in their repertoire of trying to “fix” the family. This often times makes the teen feel less important, ignored, and blamed, leading to a plethora of feelings from depression and anxiety to feeling worthless and singled out. Parents, I plead with you to first talk with your teen and get their suggestions on how to make life work better. You may be surprised at the outcome.

Next--and this is always an important part for parents—you need to be willing to take the blame for your part in the issues at hand. Children are not born “bad seeds”. Parents are first and foremost responsible for how their children react and respond to authority. They are watching YOU. Knowing this, taking responsibility for your actions, and being willing to implement positive change, will help set the foundation necessary to regain control of your family.

Next, the parents will need to sit down together, and discuss doing the following:

• Decide together what is expected from the teen—be VERY specific, i.e.-she will wash the dishes Thursday, come home straight from school Monday-Friday, and vacuum and dust her room Saturdays, before she can go out. Teenagers need you to be specific. If you simply say, “clean your room”, a teens hears, “make sure that some floor is showing and throw the bedspread over the pillows.” Where as to you it means, fold your clothes, put them away, wash your sheets, make your bed and vacuum. Just by being specific with your teen, you can save hours of unnecessary discussion and arguing. What parent doesn’t want that!
• Make sure the rules are the same at both homes—Do this as much as possible, for their sake and yours, make sure your teen has consistency in both homes. I always tell my teens in my practice, that when there is a divorce the teen should get the main house and the parents should have to work out the visitation schedule. Try to understand how difficult it is for them by looking at it from their perspective
• If you suspect drug use/abuse, give them a random drug test. Sorry parents, this is the new century and drug tests are becoming a necessity in today’s homes. I suggest that all parents randomly drug test their teens. Even the parent’s with teens who are in youth group, getting straight A’s and are captain of the cheerleading team. I have worked with teens for over 16 years and I have found that they can be very deceiving. Come on, it’s their job. Just be sure to do yours as parents.
• Put your own feelings aside parents. From feedback I have received from couples, this by far seems to be the toughest thing to do. Since divorce is usually due to infidelity, hurt feelings, lack of respect or love for one another, coming together and making a pact with each other to raise a teenager, isn’t exactly a vacation in Hawaii. I will tell you though, that parents who have succeeded in putting their own feelings aside and willing to drop their defenses momentarily to make a plan to successfully raise their teen, are heroes in my book and many times to the teen. As your teen matures she will learn many lessons from seeing you come together to co-parent. This can have an amazing impact on teenagers as it teaches them about selflessness, sacrifice, loyalty and love.
• Together decide on consistent consequences and make sure the punishment fits the crime. For example, if your teen goes over the minutes on their cell phone, take the phone away and give them chores to earn money to pay for the overage fees—don’t tell them they can’t go to the birthday party they had planned. This is one of the biggest complaints I receive from teens and the easiest to solve. I will say it again, the punishment must fit the crime. This is an easy way to gain respect from your teen and again it saves countless hours of arguing. How long can a teen argue the fairness of having to work off fees accrued from the misuse of the cell phone versus you taking a party away because you’re mad? Now, don’t get me wrong, they won’t be happy, but at least you are being fair, and eventually they will see this if you are consistent.

This often is not an easy road. In fact when parents are divorced, single or married, raising teens is challenging, aggravating and it will test you to the core. But by implementing the ideas above, the outcome can be positive for all involved.

If you need further help with a co-parenting plan, we are always here to help at Trinity Life Solutions. Please give us call with any concerns and we will do our best to give you the necessary advice and support as you raise a successful teen.

Blessings.
Bridget Melson, M.S. MFT

Should I Read My Teen's Private Journal?

"Dear Bridget; I am having a HUGE dilemma with my teen!! Should I read my teen's journal and private message boards? If so, when? If not, then why not? Please help!"  -- Concerned Mom in San Ramon, CA.

 

Well, Concerned Mom, this is a very good question and one that I get asked weekly if not more often, in my private practice. I will tell you what I think based on what my teen clients have told me and what I have discussed with the parents with which I work.

As a general rule, I believe that teenagers need to have some element of privacy. Not a lot, but some. What that means, is in general I think that journals and diaries should be off limits to parents and siblings. Here are a few reasons why: (In PART II of this answer, I will talk more about how parents can "find out" what their teen has written without having to "sneak a peak").

First of all, it has been my experience that if a teenager is writing about their feelings, this is usually good, healthy, normal behavior. Note that there are always exceptions to the rule, i.e. a teen that is suicidal, or involved in risky behavior that may lead to harming themselves or others. If this is the case, and if you are in tune with your teen's behavior you can tell that something is deeply amiss by their abrupt or declining change in behavior. Don't wait to read their journal-ASK! Talk to them. Show interest. Generally, teens need an outlet for their thoughts and feelings. Let them have this as an outlet. If they think they need to talk to someone other than you, then call a professional ASAP. Take this seriously.

Secondly, I applaud creative writing and poems and usually this is what journals are made of. Because I never asked or inquired, and have a healthy respect for my teen clients, I have had the opportunity to have some of my teens bring their journals in to me and read their innermost thoughts. This then enabled me to "normalize" their journal entries, while also assessing for the seriousness of there mental status due to some pretty dark journal entries. I used this as personal research to see if teens that wrote dark, depressing, deeply emotional journal excerpts and poems, were more prone to be more self-destructive or suicidal. I found that on the whole-NO they were not. They just needed an outlet for their emotions. It was quite refreshing to see their creativity in this arena and I applauded them for their creativity, deep thinking and willingness to be open with me.

Lastly, you must understand, that journal writing can be releasing and a way to cope positively with life's stressors. A journal can't judge, talk back, snicker, yell, or react in any negative way to it's writer. Instead it provides it's owner with hundreds of blank pages that allow and encourage creativity and free form writing. It can also serve as a receptacle for thoughts and emotions that need to be drawn out of it's user and discarded; for many teens who rightfully choose to show respect and self-control when faced with strict teachers and stressed parents, the journal acts as an outlet for the bottled up feelings that are just begging to be let out, yet in an appropriate, healthy way.

So how can you as a parent get a "sneak peak" at the deep writings that lie within the teen age journal? TALK. LISTEN. SPEND TIME with your teen. It really is that simple. That is 80% of my work with teens in sessions. I talk a little, I educate, I dig deep, and then I sit back and listen. Teens will talk if you have a non-judgmental, empathic ear. Here are some suggestions on how to get your teen to talk:

• When you ask them about their day and they don't want to tell you, say something like, "you don't have to tell me, I will respect that. But I hope it was an awesome day and that school wasn't too tough. 'Cause I love you and I want your days to be just right." Keep it positive, short and sweet and then leave it alone.
• If you see that they are keeping a journal, mention that you used to keep one. If you still have yours, get it out one evening and sit with your teen and share a story with them out of it. If you don't have access to your journal, tell them about one of your childhood hang-ups. They want to hear-even if they don't act like it. Keep it short and sweet.
• If you had a bad day at work or are fussing with a friend or sibling, without getting your teen too involved, sit down with them casually and ask their advice on the situation. Don't burden them, just ask a few questions to make them know that you respect their opinion. Or if you are thinking about painting the house or redecorating a room, ASK them what they would do. If it is to paint the walls black and hang skulls….tell them that you will think about it for a day and get back to them. They will find humor in this!

All in all find ways to spend time interacting, playing and being creatively positive with your teen while still being the parent and NOT the best friend or dictator. This will give you an inside look into who they are without having to "literally" read their private journals. They will love you for it and at the same time learn what a healthy, balanced parent looks like.

As an added note, if your teen has entries on the internet such as on MySpace, or on blogs, I feel that that is fair game for parents and it is a necessity for parents to search and hopefully find those writings and entries as it is public space. Remind teens that sexual predators are ready and waiting and even seeking ways to pounce on vulnerable teens. It is your job as a parent to monitor their Internet use and involvement. I strongly believe that what parents find in cyberspace is fair game. You don't need to use it against them, but instead use it as an opportunity to educate and discuss with them the dangers of writing private thoughts on the internet.

I hope this answered your question Concerned Mom. If you or any other parent have questions about their teen or may need help in deciphering whether or not their teen is suicidal or in danger of harming themselves or others, please don't hesitate to call me at my office or the Teen Crisis Line at 1-800-999-9999.

Blessings.
Bridget Melson, M.S. MFT

Dad Looking for Help With Teenage Son

I’m a single dad, never married, and I have custody of my 13-year old boy. My son’s mother was never in the picture and I have no idea of her whereabouts, as she was a drug addict when she left us. She has only made contact with us 4 times in the last 13 years.

I have dated sporadically but have chosen to remain single in order to dedicate all of my time to my son. I plan on waiting until my son is 18 years old before I get into another relationship but he is beginning to question me about why he “doesn’t get to have a mother.”

He has started to get into trouble at school because of his sudden anger issues and his grades have dramatically dropped. There have been no significant changes in our lives, other than him getting older and becoming angrier as the months progress.

I work 10 hours a day and cannot always be there for my son, as I am not only dad but also the breadwinner. I am wondering if you can give me some advice on how to handle my son?

Also should I go ahead and search for a new girlfriend so that my son can have a mother figure in his life? I fear that will only take precious time away from my son and me at this point in our lives.

I am really struggling to do this all by myself and it is beginning to show in my work.

 

Wow! You have your hands full and hats of to you for remaining in your son’s life in such a dedicated manner. I am impressed.

First of all I want to tell you that it has been a selfless act on your part for remaining single for 12 years so that your son could have your complete attention.

Although you must know that deep down I believe that your son is grateful and appreciative of your dedication, he must also still be feeling abandoned, alone, unlovable and rejected by his mother, even though he has never known her.

He is going through a delicate time as he is in a major developmental period in his life—the beginning of adolescence and the end of childhood. He is at a crossroads and may be beginning to grieve the fact that as a child he never experienced having a mother.

His moods will change due to the natural hormonal changes that occur at this point in an adolescent’s life, and his brain is developed enough for him to consider the negative repercussions of being a part of a single family because he feels bad; yet his brain has not developed enough to understand why he is having these strong feelings of anger, disappointment and abandonment.

Adolescents have a difficult enough time trying to figure out why and what they are feeling when they hit puberty, so when they are faced with issues such as yours, they are all the more confused. The hurt, disguised as anger, then enters in when they can’t make sense of what they are experiencing.

I want you to find some time and plan a trip away for just you and your son; make it a camping or fishing trip as it’s important that you are out and about in comfortable surroundings.

On this trip let your son know that you love him, even if you say this daily, it can never be too much. Tell him that you have been noticing that he has been upset and that that makes you sad as well because you want the very best for him, as he is your number one priority in your life.

Assure him that you will always be there for him and that you will never—and use this word—“abandon” him. Talk about his mother and why she was unable to take care of him. But, be careful not to use the word, “abandon” when you discuss her.

Explain that she is not around because she was unable to take care of herself. Let him know that the capacity to love that his mother is capable of, is different than his or yours, but add that she loved him so much that she knew that because of her addictive behavior she needed to let you be the responsible parent.

Your son is old enough to understand this about his mother and if he has some of the facts—of course within reason—he will feel empowered and hopefully this will encourage him to ask questions.

Be sure to let your son know that his mom did not leave the family because your son was unlovable but because at the time she left she had a limited capacity to love anyone.

Next I would introduce a behavior modification system with your son. In my counseling office I use what I call a “Positive Behavior Contract”. I created it after years of research on the best way to get children and teens to respond to their parents.

Previously my contract was made to require the participation of both parents and the teen, but I have recently modified it so that it can be used successfully with single parents. It focuses on the child’s positive behavior and attitude while for the most part, ignoring the negative behavior.

It puts the teen in charge of his/her own immediate future in regards to extracurricular activities—i.e using the phone, internet, video games, watching television, hanging out with friends—anything that they would deem “fun”. It teaches them that in the real world everything must be earned.

In my office I use the analogy of a working parent. We all have to do the work FIRST in order to earn our paycheck. I incorporate this same principle within the behavior contract: If the child/teen does their daily chores and homework and maintains an appropriate attitude they earn check marks every day that can then be redeemed for social time or money. It eliminates harmful, disrespectful discussion and has been a Godsend for many families!

Next I want to address YOUR specific issues. I cannot imagine what your stress level must be. I constantly have two parent families in my office complaining about how stressed they are and how irritated they get when their spouse let’s them down or doesn’t help with the kids.

If after giving these families advice, I find that it has fallen on deaf ears I have them role play “the single parent life” for one week. I have each spouse take over all of the responsibilities of the household—inside and out—for 7 days and then switch and have the other spouse do the same—with NO help from the other person on their “single parent days”. I have yet to discover a more productive “cure” for complaining, spoiled parents, that is as effective as this.

My point being that you, as single parents, do it all. You have no choice. You are mom AND dad, breadwinner, friend, nurturer, playmate—you name it, you have that role.

I was raised in a single parent household and I have the utmost respect for the responsibility you have. So it is important that you are taking care of yourself in the midst of all the stress you face daily.

I would encourage you to find a group for single parents. Many churches and communities offer weekly support groups—find the time to join one and make it a priority to commit to going weekly.

Sometimes the anger and behavioral changes single parents see in their children are a reflection of the stress the parent is exhibiting unbeknownst to them. Children are very perspective and pick up on even the minutest changes in their parents. That in and of itself can have a profound effect on a child’s reactions and behaviors.

You as the single parent need the adult interaction and support and a single parent support group can provide just that.

As far as you searching for a new girlfriend so that your son can have a mother figure in his life. I would hold off right now, at least until you can pinpoint the “whys” of his attitude change.

I would encourage you to seek the advice of a local counselor and have him assessed for possible depression and anxiety. After your son’s issues are addressed and properly dealt with then perhaps you can revisit the idea of dating. Make sure your son is included in that decision and I would even encourage you to bring this up in the counselor’s office after his issues are dissolved.

For the time being I would encourage you to find a mother figure for your son, in those closest to you already.
Perhaps your mother would be willing to assume some of this responsibility? Or is there an aunt, cousin or motherly neighbor that would be willing to dedicate a day or two a week to be that nurturing woman in his life that he so desperately needs?

Start with family and neighbors and then search within your church or community for groups that can help your son feel supported as well. Not to take a single thing away from you as the father, but it can be very difficult for a child to not have a mother present in their life and do the everyday tasks that only moms know how to do.

Again talk about these possibilities with your son and see what his thoughts are and how he reacts to the possibility of hanging out with grandma or aunt and so on. He is old enough to help make some of these choices yet he may not be able to accurately articulate his emotions, so please be willing to elicit the help of a counselor in your community.

Again I am impressed with your dedication and integrity. Keep me posted on how things progress with your son and blessings to you.

Folks, it is not easy raising children as a single parent, nor is it easy being a child in a single parent household. I know from experiencing the latter that it can be challenging for both parent and child.

Many children in single parent households ending up secretly taking on the blame, emotions and responsibilities of the remaining parent and go on to develop depression and anxiety disorders in their adolescence and adult life. Seeking the help of a counselor or support group for both parent and child can be beneficial and lead to productive relationships.

Reality is that single parent families are on the rise. Statistics show this. It is estimated that over 3 million children live with their father only and over 10 million children in the U.S. alone, live with only their mother. That is of epidemic proportion! 

Because these single parents are choosing to take responsibility for their children, and are doing so by themselves, they do not have the luxuries a two-parent family may have. As a therapist specializing in single parent and adolescent issues I am dedicated to helping single parents get the assistance and guidance they need to be the most productive parents they can be.

If you are a single parent and need help in any of the following areas, please e-mail me and I will do what I can to answer any questions you have and get you the support and/or professional assistance you need:

• Help with parenting issues
• Help with child support issues
• Assistance with affordable child care
• Help with budgeting and money management
• Discovering your passion in life and learning how to make money doing what you love
• Help with educational options and training
• Help with stress relief
• Support for emotional, mental health or spiritual issues

Help and support is out there and I encourage single parents to reach out and take advantage of the resources waiting for them. Do it for you. Do it for your child.

Blessings.
Bridget Melson, M.S. MFT

Help! My Teen Used To Be A Good Student

"My teenager used to be a good student—A’s and B’s—and now has seem to have lost interest in studying and doing homework, and says he doesn’t like school anymore and doesn’t see the point. I have grounded him from everything because his grades have fallen. This has caused numerous arguments with him as he says we are too strict and never let him see his friends. Since he is a junior in high school, he has to get good grades or his top choice for college is out. Losing his potential scholarship doesn’t even seem to phase him. Any suggestions on what I can do? We feel trapped." -- Worried dad in Dublin, CA.

 

Let me start by pointing out that the junior year of high school is often the toughest year for teenagers. I have had 20 new teens in my office in the last two months and 15 of them were in the 11^th grade. Each one of them has a similar complaint—lack of motivation, not caring about college, and a desire to be more independent. This leads to overwhelming frustration for both parents and teens.

What is going on at this age is twofold:

First, most teens have tough classes their junior year combined with an ever increasingly busy social life and a strong need to be independent.

The teenage brain is still developing at a rapid pace. So while your son’s mind is naturally exploring numerous possibilities, he intellectually does not yet have the necessary knowledge and view of what his future should look like, responsibility and all. IN other words, your teen wants to be independent but does not fully understand the reality of responsibility and all that it entails.

Along with this, there are still these things called RULES and PARENTS that are inhibiting their social and independent life!

Secondly, you as a parent are reacting to the ups and downs of your teen’s developing brain; combined with unpredictable hormones, attitude changes and his ever-changing surroundings. This often leaves parents stressed out and it can even cause conflict in the marriage. Make sure to nurture your spouse and vice versa to keep the marriage stable and exciting. This is a great example for your teen!

There are two KEY suggestions I give teens and their families to combat what I call the “junior blues”.

*Parents must keep their boundaries in place, yet be willing to adjust the rules in order to allow your teen to succeed at independence.

Yes this is possible! I use what I call an “independence contract”. It puts your teen’s life in his hands while still providing structure and family participation. I use the analogy of an adult needing to go to work first in order to receive their paycheck. This works in a similar way. You and your son sit down and list all that is expected of him in the three following categories:

• Behavior/Attitude
• Chores
• Homework

A very specific list is made jointly between parents and teen. All privileges are stripped away at the start of the contract, yet they are gained back the moment the teen does any of the listed expectations of him/her. For instance, if your teen goes home and empties the dishwasher as described on the contract, he automatically gets a check. If he does it willingly without grumping around, that’s two checks—so easy!

He then can earn his things back one check at a time (one check equals 30 minutes of free time or $1 to buy desired items). Up to 20 checks can be gained daily. Checks are crossed off after they are used up. This way your teen learns that everyday items such as a cell phone, car, gameboy, ipod, etc…are privileges, not necessities.

*This brings me to my second suggestion, which is for you the parents—be POSITIVE. For instance, each time you give your teen a check, I highly encourage you to say something positive such as, “thank you honey for taking out the trash without me having to say a word”. I have found that one of the biggest complaints from teens is that their parents seem to yell at them when they do something WRONG, but rarely even notice when they do something RIGHT. This system solves many issues in one, and all but eliminates arguments and needless discussion. If your teen wants to go “hang out” with a friend and they have checks left over, they are allowed to go as they have earned their time.

Of course there are a few exceptions to the rules, but that is all discussed before implementing this “independence contract”.

If you are interested in setting this program in place with your teen, feel free to give me a call. It only takes one session to set up and a few more to monitor it over the course of a month or so. Then you will be equipped with all you need to finish raising a successful teen with healthy boundaries.

I want to add that if you notice that your teen is wanting to stay in bed more frequently, disinterested in things he previously loved to do, is losing or gaining weight rapidly, or has talked about hurting himself, these could be signs of something more serious than the “junior blues”. Always seek professional help if you see any signs of rapidly declining interests or behavior.

Being a parent is tough and so is being a teen. Society can cause unnecessary pressure for teens and sometimes they just need a few sessions with a counselor in order to regroup and vent.

My job is to be on top of the fads, issues, and pressures teens face today, and I enjoy doing just that. If you have any comments or questions about raising your teen, or if you are a teen and you think it is time for you to become more independent, please feel free to email me and I will do what I can to get you the help you need.

Blessings.
Bridget Melson, M.S. MFT

My Teen Is Out Of Control!

"Dr. B—My teen is out of control and I am completely lost as to what to do. She is threatening to run away, to take her life or hurt herself, to steal my credit cards---I give her what she wants because I am afraid of what she will do? I feel helpless!! Is there anything I can do??" - Mom in Texas

 

Well first of all, you do have your hands full and I can only imagine the stress this is causing you and your family. Please remember that along with what you are experiencing, your daughter is apparently feeling pressure and stress as well and it sounds like she is having great difficulty in coping with her surroundings. Here are a few things I would suggest without knowing more about your case:

• I would highly recommend that you seek the help of a counselor as soon as possible as patient safety is my number one priority!
• Your daughter’s suicidal ideation concerns me. Even if she is simply trying to control you by seeking out attention in this manner. If a teen is making these kinds of threats, it needs to be dealt with now. Get to a counselor immediately to have her assessed for deeper psychological issues. She may need to be put on a 24-72 hour hold, depending on what the laws are in your state
• Next, please remember that you cannot parent out of fear! If you Parent out of FEAR, it signifies that you have lost all control of the situation. There are solutions to each of your daughter’s and family’s issues. For example:
  • If she threatens to run away as a minor, tell her you will then call the police…and then DO IT if she decides to leave. Explain that she has that choice but there are consequences. You need to be extremely specific and attach a consequence and/or reward to each of her actions to gain back control of your daughter.
  • If she threatens to take her life, call 911 or your local police station and tell them. Never take this threat lightly --ALWAYS take it seriously. If she is telling the truth then great—you may have saved her life. If she is lying then after her 72-hour watch I guarantee you she won’t use that line again.
  • If she threatens to steal your credit cards, money, belongings then tell her you will turn her in to the proper authorities and press charges. She needs to feel what consequences are.

On the brighter more positive side of things, there are several things you can do to help your daughter cope. Here are a few suggestions from my book, “Parent Survivor Guide”:

• Be Positive—as much as possible, heap positive affirmation on her!
• Be Specific—when at all possible, be specific when making requests of her. Teens can become extremely frustrated when they feel like they are being set up to fail. This eliminates their frustration.
• Talk to her—about her day, about your day, about what is apparently frustrating her.
• Ask her how YOU can be a better mom. This one is a toughie, but trust me, it works!

I hope these tips and suggestions have been helpful. Please do address her suicidal ideation FIRST and get her assessed as soon as possible. Make sure to take care of yourself as well. Teens can spot a stressed out parent in a heartbeat, and they will take full advantage of it. For more information, please read my “Parent Survival Guide” or call me to book a 90-minute family consult. I guarantee results in just 5 sessions. The “Melson Method” works!

Blessings, Dr. B