My Teen Is Out Of Control!

"Dr. B—My teen is out of control and I am completely lost as to what to do. She is threatening to run away, to take her life or hurt herself, to steal my credit cards---I give her what she wants because I am afraid of what she will do? I feel helpless!! Is there anything I can do??" - Mom in Texas

Well first of all, you do have your hands full and I can only imagine the stress this is causing you and your family. Please remember that along with what you are experiencing, your daughter is apparently feeling pressure and stress as well and it sounds like she is having great difficulty in coping with her surroundings. Here are a few things I would suggest without knowing more about your case:

• I would highly recommend that you seek the help of a counselor as soon as possible as patient safety is my number one priority!
• Your daughter’s suicidal ideation concerns me. Even if she is simply trying to control you by seeking out attention in this manner. If a teen is making these kinds of threats, it needs to be dealt with now. Get to a counselor immediately to have her assessed for deeper psychological issues. She may need to be put on a 24-72 hour hold, depending on what the laws are in your state
• Next, please remember that you cannot parent out of fear! If you Parent out of FEAR, it signifies that you have lost all control of the situation. There are solutions to each of your daughter’s and family’s issues. For example:
  • If she threatens to run away as a minor, tell her you will then call the police…and then DO IT if she decides to leave. Explain that she has that choice but there are consequences. You need to be extremely specific and attach a consequence and/or reward to each of her actions to gain back control of your daughter.
  • If she threatens to take her life, call 911 or your local police station and tell them. Never take this threat lightly --ALWAYS take it seriously. If she is telling the truth then great—you may have saved her life. If she is lying then after her 72-hour watch I guarantee you she won’t use that line again.
  • If she threatens to steal your credit cards, money, belongings then tell her you will turn her in to the proper authorities and press charges. She needs to feel what consequences are.

On the brighter more positive side of things, there are several things you can do to help your daughter cope. Here are a few suggestions from my book, “Parent Survivor Guide”:

• Be Positive—as much as possible, heap positive affirmation on her!
• Be Specific—when at all possible, be specific when making requests of her. Teens can become extremely frustrated when they feel like they are being set up to fail. This eliminates their frustration.
• Talk to her—about her day, about your day, about what is apparently frustrating her.
• Ask her how YOU can be a better mom. This one is a toughie, but trust me, it works!

I hope these tips and suggestions have been helpful. Please do address her suicidal ideation FIRST and get her assessed as soon as possible. Make sure to take care of yourself as well. Teens can spot a stressed out parent in a heartbeat, and they will take full advantage of it. For more information, please read my “Parent Survival Guide” or call me to book a 90-minute family consult. I guarantee results in just 5 sessions. The “Melson Method” works!

Blessings, Dr. B