"Dear Bridget; I am having a HUGE dilemma with my teen!! Should I read my teen's journal and private message boards? If so, when? If not, then why not? Please help!"  -- Concerned Mom in San Ramon, CA.

Well, Concerned Mom, this is a very good question and one that I get asked weekly if not more often, in my private practice. I will tell you what I think based on what my teen clients have told me and what I have discussed with the parents with which I work.

As a general rule, I believe that teenagers need to have some element of privacy. Not a lot, but some. What that means, is in general I think that journals and diaries should be off limits to parents and siblings. Here are a few reasons why: (In PART II of this answer, I will talk more about how parents can "find out" what their teen has written without having to "sneak a peak").

First of all, it has been my experience that if a teenager is writing about their feelings, this is usually good, healthy, normal behavior. Note that there are always exceptions to the rule, i.e. a teen that is suicidal, or involved in risky behavior that may lead to harming themselves or others. If this is the case, and if you are in tune with your teen's behavior you can tell that something is deeply amiss by their abrupt or declining change in behavior. Don't wait to read their journal-ASK! Talk to them. Show interest. Generally, teens need an outlet for their thoughts and feelings. Let them have this as an outlet. If they think they need to talk to someone other than you, then call a professional ASAP. Take this seriously.

Secondly, I applaud creative writing and poems and usually this is what journals are made of. Because I never asked or inquired, and have a healthy respect for my teen clients, I have had the opportunity to have some of my teens bring their journals in to me and read their innermost thoughts. This then enabled me to "normalize" their journal entries, while also assessing for the seriousness of there mental status due to some pretty dark journal entries. I used this as personal research to see if teens that wrote dark, depressing, deeply emotional journal excerpts and poems, were more prone to be more self-destructive or suicidal. I found that on the whole-NO they were not. They just needed an outlet for their emotions. It was quite refreshing to see their creativity in this arena and I applauded them for their creativity, deep thinking and willingness to be open with me.

Lastly, you must understand, that journal writing can be releasing and a way to cope positively with life's stressors. A journal can't judge, talk back, snicker, yell, or react in any negative way to it's writer. Instead it provides it's owner with hundreds of blank pages that allow and encourage creativity and free form writing. It can also serve as a receptacle for thoughts and emotions that need to be drawn out of it's user and discarded; for many teens who rightfully choose to show respect and self-control when faced with strict teachers and stressed parents, the journal acts as an outlet for the bottled up feelings that are just begging to be let out, yet in an appropriate, healthy way.

So how can you as a parent get a "sneak peak" at the deep writings that lie within the teen age journal? TALK. LISTEN. SPEND TIME with your teen. It really is that simple. That is 80% of my work with teens in sessions. I talk a little, I educate, I dig deep, and then I sit back and listen. Teens will talk if you have a non-judgmental, empathic ear. Here are some suggestions on how to get your teen to talk:

• When you ask them about their day and they don't want to tell you, say something like, "you don't have to tell me, I will respect that. But I hope it was an awesome day and that school wasn't too tough. 'Cause I love you and I want your days to be just right." Keep it positive, short and sweet and then leave it alone.
• If you see that they are keeping a journal, mention that you used to keep one. If you still have yours, get it out one evening and sit with your teen and share a story with them out of it. If you don't have access to your journal, tell them about one of your childhood hang-ups. They want to hear-even if they don't act like it. Keep it short and sweet.
• If you had a bad day at work or are fussing with a friend or sibling, without getting your teen too involved, sit down with them casually and ask their advice on the situation. Don't burden them, just ask a few questions to make them know that you respect their opinion. Or if you are thinking about painting the house or redecorating a room, ASK them what they would do. If it is to paint the walls black and hang skulls….tell them that you will think about it for a day and get back to them. They will find humor in this!

All in all find ways to spend time interacting, playing and being creatively positive with your teen while still being the parent and NOT the best friend or dictator. This will give you an inside look into who they are without having to "literally" read their private journals. They will love you for it and at the same time learn what a healthy, balanced parent looks like.

As an added note, if your teen has entries on the internet such as on MySpace, or on blogs, I feel that that is fair game for parents and it is a necessity for parents to search and hopefully find those writings and entries as it is public space. Remind teens that sexual predators are ready and waiting and even seeking ways to pounce on vulnerable teens. It is your job as a parent to monitor their Internet use and involvement. I strongly believe that what parents find in cyberspace is fair game. You don't need to use it against them, but instead use it as an opportunity to educate and discuss with them the dangers of writing private thoughts on the internet.

I hope this answered your question Concerned Mom. If you or any other parent have questions about their teen or may need help in deciphering whether or not their teen is suicidal or in danger of harming themselves or others, please don't hesitate to call me at my office or the Teen Crisis Line at 1-800-999-9999.

Blessings.
Bridget Melson, M.S. MFT