How to co-parent (a teenager!!)
when you are divorced
"I need help! I am divorced from my
daughter’s father and our daughter, *Mandy, is sixteen and is
beginning to become defiant with me. She doesn’t want to
follow my rules any longer and wants to live with her dad, who
is such a push over in my opinion. Mandy is failing the 9th
grade, tested positive for ecstasy and is dating a guy I have
never met. What do I do with this new found information and do I
let her live with her “easygoing, non-disciplinarian
father”, or do I make her stay here with me in hopes that she
won’t run away? Please help!" -- Concerned Mom in Livermore, CA.
Well, Concerned Mom, you definitely have
your hands full, BUT there are solutions here and a lot of what
is going on with the dynamics between you and Mandy is normal.
However, a cohesive co-parenting plan must be put into action or
your daughter will take advantage of you and your ex-husband’s
inconsistent co-parenting and she will charm (manipulate)
whichever parent is most susceptible to giving in. Now, more
than ever, boundaries must be put in place, and structure needs
to be a part of Mandy’s life until she begins to make better
choices. You can always loosen the ropes later. Here is what I
would suggest:
The first thing you and your ex-husband
need to do is make a co-parenting plan. Most of the time this is far easier said than done due to
the dynamics of your current relationship, so don’t fret if
you need to ask the advice of a counselor or mediator. In the
meantime, here is my advice and some techniques I use when
developing a co-parenting plan.
When I work with families of teens, I
always see the parents first to get their individual
perspective. I make it a point to meet with them together so
that there are no secrets between them. Then I spend the next
session gathering information from the teenager. Their voice
counts!
Teens usually have an amazing and unique
perspective on the family dynamics and it can help shed light on
why they are acting out and trying to assert their
individuality. Always ask the teen! Many times parents forget to
include this in their repertoire of trying to “fix” the
family. This often times makes the teen feel less important,
ignored, and blamed, leading to a plethora of feelings from
depression and anxiety to feeling worthless and singled out.
Parents, I plead with you to first talk with your teen and get
their suggestions on how to make life work better. You may be
surprised at the outcome.
Next--and this is always an important part
for parents—you need to be willing to take the blame for your
part in the issues at hand. Children are not born “bad
seeds”. Parents are first and foremost responsible for how
their children react and respond to authority. They are watching
YOU. Knowing this, taking responsibility for your actions, and
being willing to implement positive change, will help set the
foundation necessary to regain control of your family.
Next, the parents will need to sit down
together, and discuss doing the following:
- Decide
together what is expected from the teen—be VERY specific,
i.e.-she will wash the dishes Thursday, come home straight
from school Monday-Friday, and vacuum and dust her room
Saturdays, before she can go out. Teenagers need you to be specific.
If you simply say, “clean your room”, a teens hears, “make sure that some floor is showing and throw the
bedspread over the pillows.” Where as to you it means,
fold your clothes, put them away, wash your sheets, make
your bed and vacuum. Just by being specific with your
teen, you can save hours of unnecessary discussion and
arguing. What parent doesn’t want that!
- Make
sure the rules are the same at both homes—Do this as much
as possible, for their sake and yours, make sure your teen
has consistency in both homes. I always tell my teens in my
practice, that when there is a divorce the teen should get
the main house and the parents should have to work out the
visitation schedule. Try to understand how difficult it is
for them by looking at it from their perspective
- If
you suspect drug use/abuse, give them a random drug test.
Sorry parents, this is the new century and drug tests are
becoming a necessity in today’s homes. I suggest that all
parents randomly drug test their teens. Even the parent’s
with teens who are in youth group, getting straight A’s
and are captain of the cheerleading team. I have worked with
teens for over 16 years and I have found that they can be
very deceiving. Come on, it’s their job. Just be sure to
do yours as parents.
- Put
your own feelings aside parents. From feedback I have
received from couples, this by far seems to be the toughest
thing to do. Since divorce is usually due to infidelity,
hurt feelings, lack of respect or love for one another,
coming together and making a pact with each other to raise a
teenager, isn’t exactly a vacation in Hawaii. I will tell
you though, that parents who have succeeded in putting their
own feelings aside and willing to drop their defenses
momentarily to make a plan to successfully raise their teen,
are heroes in my book and many times to the teen. As your
teen matures she will learn many lessons from seeing you
come together to co-parent. This can have an amazing impact
on teenagers as it teaches them about selflessness,
sacrifice, loyalty and love.
- Together
decide on consistent consequences and make sure the
punishment fits the crime. For example, if your teen
goes over the minutes on their cell phone, take the phone
away and give them chores to earn money to pay for the
overage fees—don’t tell them they can’t go to the
birthday party they had planned. This is one of the biggest
complaints I receive from teens and the easiest to solve. I
will say it again, the punishment must fit the crime.
This is an easy way to gain respect from your teen and again
it saves countless hours of arguing. How long can a teen
argue the fairness of having to work off fees accrued from
the misuse of the cell phone versus you taking a party away
because you’re mad? Now, don’t get me wrong, they
won’t be happy, but at least you are being fair, and
eventually they will see this if you are consistent.
This often is not an easy road. In fact
when parents are divorced, single or married, raising teens is
challenging, aggravating and it will test you to the core. But
by implementing the ideas above, the outcome can be positive for
all involved.
If you need further help with a
co-parenting plan, we are always here to help at Trinity Life
Solutions. Please give us call with any concerns and we will do
our best to give you the necessary advice and support as you
raise a successful teen.
Blessings.
Bridget Melson, M.S. MFT
Back to Questions... |
