Dad Looking for Help With Teenage Son

I’m a single dad, never married, and I have custody of my 13-year old boy. My son’s mother was never in the picture and I have no idea of her whereabouts, as she was a drug addict when she left us. She has only made contact with us 4 times in the last 13 years.

I have dated sporadically but have chosen to remain single in order to dedicate all of my time to my son. I plan on waiting until my son is 18 years old before I get into another relationship but he is beginning to question me about why he “doesn’t get to have a mother.”

He has started to get into trouble at school because of his sudden anger issues and his grades have dramatically dropped. There have been no significant changes in our lives, other than him getting older and becoming angrier as the months progress.

I work 10 hours a day and cannot always be there for my son, as I am not only dad but also the breadwinner. I am wondering if you can give me some advice on how to handle my son?

Also should I go ahead and search for a new girlfriend so that my son can have a mother figure in his life? I fear that will only take precious time away from my son and me at this point in our lives.

I am really struggling to do this all by myself and it is beginning to show in my work.

Wow! You have your hands full and hats of to you for remaining in your son’s life in such a dedicated manner. I am impressed.

First of all I want to tell you that it has been a selfless act on your part for remaining single for 12 years so that your son could have your complete attention.

Although you must know that deep down I believe that your son is grateful and appreciative of your dedication, he must also still be feeling abandoned, alone, unlovable and rejected by his mother, even though he has never known her.

He is going through a delicate time as he is in a major developmental period in his life—the beginning of adolescence and the end of childhood. He is at a crossroads and may be beginning to grieve the fact that as a child he never experienced having a mother.

His moods will change due to the natural hormonal changes that occur at this point in an adolescent’s life, and his brain is developed enough for him to consider the negative repercussions of being a part of a single family because he feels bad; yet his brain has not developed enough to understand why he is having these strong feelings of anger, disappointment and abandonment.

Adolescents have a difficult enough time trying to figure out why and what they are feeling when they hit puberty, so when they are faced with issues such as yours, they are all the more confused. The hurt, disguised as anger, then enters in when they can’t make sense of what they are experiencing.

I want you to find some time and plan a trip away for just you and your son; make it a camping or fishing trip as it’s important that you are out and about in comfortable surroundings.

On this trip let your son know that you love him, even if you say this daily, it can never be too much. Tell him that you have been noticing that he has been upset and that that makes you sad as well because you want the very best for him, as he is your number one priority in your life.

Assure him that you will always be there for him and that you will never—and use this word—“abandon” him. Talk about his mother and why she was unable to take care of him. But, be careful not to use the word, “abandon” when you discuss her.

Explain that she is not around because she was unable to take care of herself. Let him know that the capacity to love that his mother is capable of, is different than his or yours, but add that she loved him so much that she knew that because of her addictive behavior she needed to let you be the responsible parent.

Your son is old enough to understand this about his mother and if he has some of the facts—of course within reason—he will feel empowered and hopefully this will encourage him to ask questions.

Be sure to let your son know that his mom did not leave the family because your son was unlovable but because at the time she left she had a limited capacity to love anyone.

Next I would introduce a behavior modification system with your son. In my counseling office I use what I call a “Positive Behavior Contract”. I created it after years of research on the best way to get children and teens to respond to their parents.

Previously my contract was made to require the participation of both parents and the teen, but I have recently modified it so that it can be used successfully with single parents. It focuses on the child’s positive behavior and attitude while for the most part, ignoring the negative behavior.

It puts the teen in charge of his/her own immediate future in regards to extracurricular activities—i.e using the phone, internet, video games, watching television, hanging out with friends—anything that they would deem “fun”. It teaches them that in the real world everything must be earned.

In my office I use the analogy of a working parent. We all have to do the work FIRST in order to earn our paycheck. I incorporate this same principle within the behavior contract: If the child/teen does their daily chores and homework and maintains an appropriate attitude they earn check marks every day that can then be redeemed for social time or money. It eliminates harmful, disrespectful discussion and has been a Godsend for many families!

Next I want to address YOUR specific issues. I cannot imagine what your stress level must be. I constantly have two parent families in my office complaining about how stressed they are and how irritated they get when their spouse let’s them down or doesn’t help with the kids.

If after giving these families advice, I find that it has fallen on deaf ears I have them role play “the single parent life” for one week. I have each spouse take over all of the responsibilities of the household—inside and out—for 7 days and then switch and have the other spouse do the same—with NO help from the other person on their “single parent days”. I have yet to discover a more productive “cure” for complaining, spoiled parents, that is as effective as this.

My point being that you, as single parents, do it all. You have no choice. You are mom AND dad, breadwinner, friend, nurturer, playmate—you name it, you have that role.

I was raised in a single parent household and I have the utmost respect for the responsibility you have. So it is important that you are taking care of yourself in the midst of all the stress you face daily.

I would encourage you to find a group for single parents. Many churches and communities offer weekly support groups—find the time to join one and make it a priority to commit to going weekly.

Sometimes the anger and behavioral changes single parents see in their children are a reflection of the stress the parent is exhibiting unbeknownst to them. Children are very perspective and pick up on even the minutest changes in their parents. That in and of itself can have a profound effect on a child’s reactions and behaviors.

You as the single parent need the adult interaction and support and a single parent support group can provide just that.

As far as you searching for a new girlfriend so that your son can have a mother figure in his life. I would hold off right now, at least until you can pinpoint the “whys” of his attitude change.

I would encourage you to seek the advice of a local counselor and have him assessed for possible depression and anxiety. After your son’s issues are addressed and properly dealt with then perhaps you can revisit the idea of dating. Make sure your son is included in that decision and I would even encourage you to bring this up in the counselor’s office after his issues are dissolved.

For the time being I would encourage you to find a mother figure for your son, in those closest to you already.
Perhaps your mother would be willing to assume some of this responsibility? Or is there an aunt, cousin or motherly neighbor that would be willing to dedicate a day or two a week to be that nurturing woman in his life that he so desperately needs?

Start with family and neighbors and then search within your church or community for groups that can help your son feel supported as well. Not to take a single thing away from you as the father, but it can be very difficult for a child to not have a mother present in their life and do the everyday tasks that only moms know how to do.

Again talk about these possibilities with your son and see what his thoughts are and how he reacts to the possibility of hanging out with grandma or aunt and so on. He is old enough to help make some of these choices yet he may not be able to accurately articulate his emotions, so please be willing to elicit the help of a counselor in your community.

Again I am impressed with your dedication and integrity. Keep me posted on how things progress with your son and blessings to you.

Folks, it is not easy raising children as a single parent, nor is it easy being a child in a single parent household. I know from experiencing the latter that it can be challenging for both parent and child.

Many children in single parent households ending up secretly taking on the blame, emotions and responsibilities of the remaining parent and go on to develop depression and anxiety disorders in their adolescence and adult life. Seeking the help of a counselor or support group for both parent and child can be beneficial and lead to productive relationships.

Reality is that single parent families are on the rise. Statistics show this. It is estimated that over 3 million children live with their father only and over 10 million children in the U.S. alone, live with only their mother. That is of epidemic proportion! 

Because these single parents are choosing to take responsibility for their children, and are doing so by themselves, they do not have the luxuries a two-parent family may have. As a therapist specializing in single parent and adolescent issues I am dedicated to helping single parents get the assistance and guidance they need to be the most productive parents they can be.

If you are a single parent and need help in any of the following areas, please e-mail me and I will do what I can to answer any questions you have and get you the support and/or professional assistance you need:

• Help with parenting issues
• Help with child support issues
• Assistance with affordable child care
• Help with budgeting and money management
• Discovering your passion in life and learning how to make money doing what you love
• Help with educational options and training
• Help with stress relief
• Support for emotional, mental health or spiritual issues

Help and support is out there and I encourage single parents to reach out and take advantage of the resources waiting for them. Do it for you. Do it for your child.

Blessings.
Bridget Melson, M.S. MFT

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