Help! My Teen Used To Be A Good Student

"My teenager used to be a good student—A’s and B’s—and now has seem to have lost interest in studying and doing homework, and says he doesn’t like school anymore and doesn’t see the point. I have grounded him from everything because his grades have fallen. This has caused numerous arguments with him as he says we are too strict and never let him see his friends. Since he is a junior in high school, he has to get good grades or his top choice for college is out. Losing his potential scholarship doesn’t even seem to phase him. Any suggestions on what I can do? We feel trapped." -- Worried dad in Dublin, CA.

What is going on at this age is twofold:

First, most teens have tough classes their junior year combined with an ever increasingly busy social life and a strong need to be independent.

The teenage brain is still developing at a rapid pace. So while your son’s mind is naturally exploring numerous possibilities, he intellectually does not yet have the necessary knowledge and view of what his future should look like, responsibility and all. IN other words, your teen wants to be independent but does not fully understand the reality of responsibility and all that it entails.

Along with this, there are still these things called RULES and PARENTS that are inhibiting their social and independent life!

Secondly, you as a parent are reacting to the ups and downs of your teen’s developing brain; combined with unpredictable hormones, attitude changes and his ever-changing surroundings. This often leaves parents stressed out and it can even cause conflict in the marriage. Make sure to nurture your spouse and vice versa to keep the marriage stable and exciting. This is a great example for your teen!

There are two KEY suggestions I give teens and their families to combat what I call the “junior blues”.

*Parents must keep their boundaries in place, yet be willing to adjust the rules in order to allow your teen to succeed at independence.

Yes this is possible! I use what I call an “independence contract”. It puts your teen’s life in his hands while still providing structure and family participation. I use the analogy of an adult needing to go to work first in order to receive their paycheck. This works in a similar way. You and your son sit down and list all that is expected of him in the three following categories:

• Behavior/Attitude
• Chores
• Homework

A very specific list is made jointly between parents and teen. All privileges are stripped away at the start of the contract, yet they are gained back the moment the teen does any of the listed expectations of him/her. For instance, if your teen goes home and empties the dishwasher as described on the contract, he automatically gets a check. If he does it willingly without grumping around, that’s two checks—so easy!

He then can earn his things back one check at a time (one check equals 30 minutes of free time or $1 to buy desired items). Up to 20 checks can be gained daily. Checks are crossed off after they are used up. This way your teen learns that everyday items such as a cell phone, car, gameboy, ipod, etc…are privileges, not necessities.

*This brings me to my second suggestion, which is for you the parents—be POSITIVE. For instance, each time you give your teen a check, I highly encourage you to say something positive such as, “thank you honey for taking out the trash without me having to say a word”. I have found that one of the biggest complaints from teens is that their parents seem to yell at them when they do something WRONG, but rarely even notice when they do something RIGHT. This system solves many issues in one, and all but eliminates arguments and needless discussion. If your teen wants to go “hang out” with a friend and they have checks left over, they are allowed to go as they have earned their time.

Of course there are a few exceptions to the rules, but that is all discussed before implementing this “independence contract”.

If you are interested in setting this program in place with your teen, feel free to give me a call. It only takes one session to set up and a few more to monitor it over the course of a month or so. Then you will be equipped with all you need to finish raising a successful teen with healthy boundaries.

I want to add that if you notice that your teen is wanting to stay in bed more frequently, disinterested in things he previously loved to do, is losing or gaining weight rapidly, or has talked about hurting himself, these could be signs of something more serious than the “junior blues”. Always seek professional help if you see any signs of rapidly declining interests or behavior.

Being a parent is tough and so is being a teen. Society can cause unnecessary pressure for teens and sometimes they just need a few sessions with a counselor in order to regroup and vent.

My job is to be on top of the fads, issues, and pressures teens face today, and I enjoy doing just that. If you have any comments or questions about raising your teen, or if you are a teen and you think it is time for you to become more independent, please feel free to email me and I will do what I can to get you the help you need.

Blessings.
Bridget Melson, M.S. MFT

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