Should I Read My Teen's Private Journal?
"Dear Bridget; I am having a HUGE dilemma with my teen!!
Should I read my teen's journal and private message boards? If
so, when? If not, then why not? Please help!" -- Concerned
Mom in San Ramon, CA.
Well, Concerned Mom, this is a very good question and one
that I get asked weekly if not more often, in my private
practice. I will tell you what I think based on what my teen
clients have told me and what I have discussed with the parents
with which I work.
As a general rule, I believe that teenagers need to have some
element of privacy. Not a lot, but some. What that means, is in
general I think that journals and diaries should be off limits
to parents and siblings. Here are a few reasons why: (In PART II
of this answer, I will talk more about how parents can
"find out" what their teen has written without having
to "sneak a peak").
First of all, it has been my experience that if a
teenager is writing about their feelings, this is usually good,
healthy, normal behavior. Note that there are always exceptions
to the rule, i.e. a teen that is suicidal, or involved in risky
behavior that may lead to harming themselves or others. If this
is the case, and if you are in tune with your teen's
behavior you can tell that something is deeply amiss by their abrupt
or declining change in behavior. Don't wait to read their journal-ASK! Talk to them. Show
interest. Generally, teens need an outlet for their thoughts and
feelings. Let them have this as an outlet. If
they think they need to talk to someone other than you, then
call a professional ASAP. Take this seriously.
Secondly, I applaud creative writing and poems and
usually this is what journals are made of. Because I never asked
or inquired, and have a healthy respect for my teen clients, I
have had the opportunity to have some of my teens bring their
journals in to me and read their innermost thoughts. This then
enabled me to "normalize" their journal entries, while
also assessing for the seriousness of there mental status due to
some pretty dark journal entries. I used this as personal
research to see if teens that wrote dark, depressing, deeply
emotional journal excerpts and poems, were more prone to be more
self-destructive or suicidal. I found that on the whole-NO they
were not. They just needed an outlet for their emotions. It was
quite refreshing to see their creativity in this arena and I
applauded them for their creativity, deep thinking and
willingness to be open with me.
Lastly, you must understand, that journal writing can be
releasing and a way to cope positively with life's stressors. A
journal can't judge, talk back, snicker, yell, or react in any
negative way to it's writer. Instead it provides it's owner with
hundreds of blank pages that allow and encourage creativity and
free form writing. It can also serve as a receptacle for
thoughts and emotions that need to be drawn out of it's user and
discarded; for many teens who rightfully choose to show respect
and self-control when faced with strict teachers and stressed
parents, the journal acts as an outlet for the bottled up
feelings that are just begging to be let out, yet in an
appropriate, healthy way.
So how can you as a parent get a "sneak peak" at
the deep writings that lie within the teen age journal? TALK.
LISTEN. SPEND TIME with your teen. It really is that simple.
That is 80% of my work with teens in sessions. I talk a little,
I educate, I dig deep, and then I sit back and listen. Teens
will talk if you have a non-judgmental, empathic ear. Here are
some suggestions on how to get your teen to talk:
- When you ask them about their day and they don't want to
tell you, say something like, "you don't have to tell me, I
will respect that. But I hope it was an awesome day and that
school wasn't too tough. 'Cause I love you and I want your days
to be just right." Keep it positive, short and sweet and
then leave it alone.
- If you see that they are keeping a journal, mention that you
used to keep one. If you still have yours, get it out one
evening and sit with your teen and share a story with them out
of it. If you don't have access to your journal, tell them about
one of your childhood hang-ups. They want to hear-even if they
don't act like it. Keep it short and sweet.
- If you had a bad day at work or are fussing with a friend or
sibling, without getting your teen too involved, sit down with
them casually and ask their advice on the situation. Don't
burden them, just ask a few questions to make them know that you
respect their opinion. Or if you are thinking about painting the
house or redecorating a room, ASK them what they would do. If it
is to paint the walls black and hang skulls….tell them that
you will think about it for a day and get back to them. They
will find humor in this!
All in all find ways to spend time interacting, playing and
being creatively positive with your teen while still being the
parent and NOT the best friend or dictator. This will give you
an inside look into who they are without having to
"literally" read their private journals. They will
love you for it and at the same time learn what a healthy,
balanced parent looks like.
As an added note, if your teen has entries on the internet
such as on MySpace, or on blogs, I feel that that is fair game
for parents and it is a necessity for parents to search and
hopefully find those writings and entries as it is public space.
Remind teens that sexual predators are ready and waiting and
even seeking ways to pounce on vulnerable teens. It is your job
as a parent to monitor their Internet use and involvement. I
strongly believe that what parents find in cyberspace is fair
game. You don't need to use it against them, but instead use it
as an opportunity to educate and discuss with them the dangers
of writing private thoughts on the internet.
I hope this answered your question Concerned Mom. If you or
any other parent have questions about their teen or may need help
in deciphering whether or not their teen is suicidal or in danger of
harming themselves or others, please don't hesitate to call me
at my office or the Teen Crisis Line at 1-800-999-9999.
Blessings.
Bridget Melson, M.S. MFT
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