Having Trouble "Life Coaching" My Teen--Is Something Wrong With Me as a Parent??

"Dear Dr. Bridget: I LOVE your Teen Life Coaching 12-Week Program. I bought it to go through with my two teenagers. My son is responding very well and loves it, but my daughter gets irritated and refuses to go through it with me anymore. She likes that she is learning how to budget so she can move out, how to interview for a job, and how to find her true passion in life; BUT she says she wants a Teen Life Coach (TLC) instead because I am not being impartial enough. Am I doing something wrong?" Taking it Personally in Concord, CA.

I hear this very often with teens and parents, and NO there is nothing wrong with you as a parent. What is happening is N-O-R-M-A-L.

Children get constant instruction from their parents for many years. After all, it is the job of a parent to instruct, lead and guide consistently up into adolescence and many times beyond that. By the time they are teens, they (both teens and parents!) are ready to separate and become individuals. This is what is most likely contributing to the battle between you and your daughter; add a conflict of temperaments into the mix and the war is on!

Let me reassure you that what you are facing is a part of a teen's developmental progression and you should not take it personally at all. This normal "teen conflict" and "parent separation" that naturally occurs is inevitable.  This is why when I speak at my "Parent Survival Seminars", I always mention that while I would love to see parents take their teen through the 12-week program, in many cases there is not a match in temperaments and therefore this is not a possibility.  This is why we created, trained and now implement Teen Life Coaches (TLC's) into the Trinity Life Solutions practice.  I have not assessed your daughter, but it sounds as if she is mentally healthy and is just looking for someone to take her through the 12-week program that can be more of a mentor and coach instead of a parent. It is all but impossible for a parent to step back from their child and not be "a parent". It is what you do!  This is the very reason why we have our TLC's available to take them through "This Is Life" and at the same time support you 100% as a parent. Another great alternative can involve having an aunt, church mentor, or a friend's mom take them them through and talk about it over ice cream or a diet coke. Please know that you are not doing anything wrong. 

Chances are that you and your daughter are more alike that either of you wants to admit, therefore causing that mismatch in temperaments I mentioned above. This will come in handy in her twenties!

I hope this answered your question. This is a great reminder for all parents to not take things personally when up against teenage hormones and attitudes. If we did that, we would all be in insane asylums by the time our children reached puberty! 

When concerned about a teen's change in behavior, I always advise to take your teen out for bagels and coffee one morning and ask them if something is on their mind or bothering them at work, school or with friends. If you do not get any answers and still suspect something more serious, never hesitate to seek a counselor's advice.

If you or any other parent have questions about their teen or may need help in deciphering whether or not your teen is in danger of harming themselves or others, please don't hesitate to call me at my office (925) 600-8084 or the Teen Crisis Line at 1-800-999-9999.

Blessings.
Dr. Bridget Melson, M.S. MFT, PsyD.

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